i shall now mount my soapbox OR some words of advice for tourists

after having lived in new york long enough to: know the subway system; understand where not to be after dark or ever; talk a cabbie into chauffering my large dog on several occasions; be victimized by the vile saliva of an angry homeless man; stop thinking of dave chapelle every time i say the word "bodega"; realize that i am, in fact, nuts for nuts; accept that there is no such thing as a 40 hour work week here; overcome my inclination that pretty restaurants serve the best food; been momentarily a scenester and then decidedly not; come to have a fondness for the sound of my hissing radiator; catch a mouse in a rolled up poster; witness the third-world conditions of coney island restrooms; swear off grocery store produce; become friends with people through nonverbal communication as neither of us speak the other's language; know where the free stuff happens and when to get it; swear my eternal loyalty to trader joe's wine store; love temping; hate temping; have a fabulous-on-paper-job; quit said fabulous-on-paper-job; temp some more; curse temping; temp some more; get a second not-so-great-on-paper-job; have my picture in a store window in time's square; have my picture taken by getty images backstage at a fashion show in a couture dress in which i could barely breathe, then get a free cab ride home and realize that the only person i enjoyed talking to all night was my cabdriver peter from russia; get over feeling helpless and scared, realize that chasing pigeons is not and was never funny, and come to appreciate my hometown in a way that wouldn't be possible if i were still there...

i feel that i am qualified to explain why new yorkers are often misconstrued as rude and callous people.

let this be a cautionary blog to any of you who plan to visit this great city.

it's simple. visitors unwittingly mangle the commute of the locals.

follow these rules and it'll be smooth sailing for you and yours.

1. if in need of directions, do not call out "excuse me!" to a passing new yorker. they will think you want money or will waste their time. be direct. right to the point. begin with the question. you will have more success this way.

2. out then in. if you're waiting for an elevator, a subway, or are headed inside, always let people out first. this is a surprising problem.

3. if you are going to walk around, slack jawed, staring at the pretty buildings, do so in designated slack-jaw-areas. i believe in wyoming, they refer to this as "gaping." gaping is perfectly acceptable in times square, rockefeller center, the theatre district, the empire state building, the statue of liberty, and the like. when not in these areas, do your best to keep with the pace of traffic.

4. sidewalks are the highways and biways of most new yorkers. the right-left rule still applies for the most part. do not stop abruptly. do not turn on a dime. be mindful when merging- glance over your shoulder. watch out for bike messengers, as they believe they are immune to all rules of the road.

should i think of any more guidelines, i'll be happy to post them with haste.

in my opinion, new yorkers are some of the warmest, most approachable people in the world. just don't make them slam on their breaks and you should be just fine.

my life as a montage OR this week's playlist

merry happy...kate nash
who am i kidding...winterkids
one evening...feist
knock 'em out...lily allen
me plus one...annie anniemal
something to talk about...badly drawn boy
ah leah...donnie iris
elected...inouk
heartbeats...the knife
if i ever feel better...phoenix
ratatat...seventeen years
chicago...sufjan stevens
arrivals gate...ani difranco
biomusicology...ted leo and the pharmacists

scooters,vacation,fall

i wonder if this weighs 21 grams.

http://cgi.ebay.com/IM-SELLING-MY-SOUL-ON-EBAY_W0QQitemZ150081765407QQihZ005QQcategoryZ1467QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

...and notice that a bid has been placed.